James Walter

Well--this is obviously the hardest entry for me. To be honest I have avoided it as long as I can because it is so painful, but I want to share my memories and my special boy with you. I want to celebrate the biggest day of our life--seeing our beautiful son for the first time and holding him. That special day was exactly 30 weeks ago (210 days). I cannot believe how much has already changed in our lives and how my love for him grows every day.

My labor progressed throughout the night. I remember Dr. B. checking on me at some point in the middle of the night, and he predicted that we still had a few hours left of labor. He thought our son would come some time in the morning or around lunch time.

Around five-thirty or six in the morning, I started to feel some heavy pressure, and the sensation was a bit lower than it had been. I was concerned, but I thought this was all apart of the natural process. When the nurse came in to check on me, I explained the extreme pressure, and she checked me and decided that it was time to call Dr. B.

My mom returned to my side during that time, and I described the pressure to her. It felt like this baby was coming soon, so I told her to call Dad and have him bring the camera. I know this sounds a little bizarre to some people (to want a camera), but for thirty weeks Wade and I had anticipated this day---this amazing moment when we would see God's miracle, our son. We would see this beautiful creation that we made. It was suppose to be a moment of celebration, and I could not wrap my head around the idea that this was not going to be a celebration. We would see our beautiful creation, and then we would lose him all in one moment. It is like someone giving you a gift that you have prayed and wished for your entire life and then immediately taking it away.

My mother called him, and she left to update my mother-in-law on what was happening. During those next few minutes or so, I felt the baby really drop. Wade called for the nurse, and she explained that Dr. B. was about thirty minutes away. I explained to her that this baby was really coming out now, and that I was not joking. She checked me again and saw the baby's head. She quickly called for the on-call doctor.

Immediately my room filled with people: Dr. S., many nurses, my mom, my mother-in-law, and of course my precious Wade. I remember Wade grabbing my hand, and all I wanted to do was stare at him. We discussed briefly what we were going to do once our baby arrived. At first we agreed that we did not want to see him--that it would be too painful to hold him and name him.

(Those were our initial thoughts, but our plans quickly changed.)

Finally the room was ready for the delivery. Once again I was worried that Wade was going to faint, so I insisted that one of the nurses get him a stool or a chair. He sat right by my side, stroking my hand, and encouraging me. He was so brave and just the kind of support I needed. I think I just pushed two or three times--and James Walter was here.

He was beautiful. I remember that moment being so extremely peaceful and calm. Wade and I were filled with warmth and love, and we knew we had to look up at him. My favorite memory of James was watching the nurse carry him to the warming tray. His body was limp, but he looked like an angel to me--what a beautiful angel! Dr. S. finished the labor process, and the nurses cleaned James Walter. A few minutes later, the nurse handed James to us, so that we could really see our son and love him. Everyone left the room; finally Wade and I could enjoy the moment by ourselves.

James Walter was such a blessing! He was born at 6:20 AM on April 1, 2oo8. He weighed 2 pounds 3.25 ounces and was 14 inches long. That is Wade's favorite part, his length. He was so impressed with how long James already was. He was long and lean, just like his daddy. In fact, I think he looked a lot like his daddy. His lips were exactly the same. (When Wade is settling down to sleep at night, I love to stare at him because I see James's beautiful lips again.) His fingers were so long and beautiful. I have short and stubby ones, so I knew his fingers were a gift from his dad also. Wade and I both agreed that he probably had my feet, nice and petite, and my nose. He had a little dark hair on his head, not as much as we figured he would. However, Wade and I both had lighter and thinner hair as babies.

We spent the next half hour loving James. We prayed for him and asked God to hold him so tightly in his hands. We kissed him and told him how much we had wanted him and planned for his future. I sang "You Are My Sunshine" to my precious son. It was an amazing time between all three of us. God gave those special moments to us. There was no anger or anxiety in the room--just love, joy, and peace. Our hearts were overwhelmed with the joy of being parents to this sweet boy and with the sadness of having to let him go.

It was extremely hard to end that time together, but our hearts told us when it was time. Sometimes in life you have to come up for some air--give yourself a little break--so we decided to have the grandparents come back in at that time. We shared our little James with them. They each had a chance to hold and love him. We explained his name. James was the name of my father's grandfather, and Walter was the name of Wade's grandfather. We loved that name; we chose it months before we were even pregnant. Wade loved the fact that his son would have his exact initials--another neat way that father and son could be connected without having a junior.

Of course there were tears, but as I reflect back on those tender moments all I can remember is love. I had no idea how much I could love. Wade and I are so thankful now that we were given the opportunity to meet James--to hold him and touch him was such a gift, even if it killed us. Our journey in life is unpredictable, but I believe that God does have a plan for us. I also believe that our James is safe in His hands, and when I start to miss my little man it is comforting to know exactly where he is. He will always be in our hearts and safe in God's hands.