Shock

I spent the next 4 days in the hospital. They were days of complete shock. I cannot really remember the order of events or visitors; the doctors had warned me that this might happen. Magnesium or something in my IV can cause memory loss. I don't really know. I was so numb the first few days that I didn't even feel the magnesium, and when I finally felt it, it was awful. It definitely hurts going through your veins. It felt like a fire going up and down my arm.
Those first few days were days of grieving, and days of trying to wrap our heads around what just happened. Our hearts were broken, of course, but I found myself so worried and heartbroken for those around me. I hated to see my parents and in-laws so upset. They wanted to fix it and help their children feel better and heal. Just having them there to hold our hands and give us support meant everything to us.
Seeing our siblings for the first time was emotionally draining, because they were so scared for my health and wanted to see us happy. I remember my sister walking into the room for the first time and running over to embrace me. Her heart wept for me; she knew how much I wanted this little man. She had seen me fall in love with her own children, and she wanted me to have my own experience with kids.
Some of our closest friends and family also visited us in the hospital those first few days. Wade and I just felt so bad for them. We knew it was hard for all of them to come down there. What do you say to a couple that has just lost it all--their first son, hope, dreams, future? My heart went out to all of them. One of my dearest friends, Tricia, had just given birth in February to another beautiful daughter, and she rushed down to be by my side and hold my hand. She was so strong to be there and give me support. She took care of all communication for me, especially to OHS. I still have no idea how many emails or phone calls she made, but she did it all.
Our hearts and my blood pressure could only take so much, so the nurses and our families had to make some executive decisions on visitors. After the initial shock of the first two days, we tried to get the word out that cards/letters would be better than visitors, because every time we saw another friend or loved one we broke down and started the whole emotional process over again.
What haunted me most of all in the hospital those first few days was my precious third grade class. They were so emotionally tied to this little man 'Peanut' and could not wait to meet him. I constantly kept praying for their hearts and their faith in God. It hit me the night before I gave birth to James that someone was going to have to go into my classroom the next day and explain to the class that their teacher's baby boy was no longer alive. That realization hurt so badly. I didn't want their little innocent hearts to be broken, but I was going to have to trust in the Lord and His healing hands. There was nothing, once again, that I could do to change the outcome.
There were not many moments of quiet time for us, especially since the nurses and doctors were still trying to get my blood pressure stabilized and family members were constantly in the room providing love and support, which we needed and truly appreciated. Nighttime was obviously the quiet time around the hospital. It was a scary time for us, because that is when reality kicked in and we were left alone to our thoughts and emotions. What a blessing it was to have such an amazing husband during that time! I think I will spend the next post discussing Wade--because the Lord has truly blessed me with him.