Monday

So on Monday morning, I went in to teach my precious third graders. We had a lot to cover and many new units to begin. I was excited in the morning, because I felt my little man moving inside of me. I noticed that his movements felt more like turning and less like kicking. I was just glad that I felt him. As the day continued, I started noticing that my whole belly would tighten when he turned. I started to think that maybe I was having some contractions. I was unsure, but I knew that I would see Dr. B. in the morning. That gave me some peace of mind. I remember saying to my students that 'Peanut' was doing fine and that I would be at an appointment in the morning; I didn't want them to worry, when they didn't see me on Tuesday.

The swelling in my legs and feet had increased by the end of the day. I was exhausted from the full day of teaching, but I stayed an extra hour after school to prepare the Tues. folders (graded work from that week) and the substitute plans for the next morning. The movement (contractions) continued to strengthen, and by the time I headed home they even hurt a little.

I went by Walgreens on my way home to pick up my prenatal vitamins. As I waited for the prescription to be filled, the pain from the contractions intensified. I could not take this uncomfortable feeling, and my anxiety started. I called Dr. B.'s office from Walgreens, and luckily the nurse picked up the phone (which never happens). I explained that what I thought was movement had turned to pain and that these episodes were happening more frequently. She wanted me to go straight to Baptist Hospital, since Dr. B.'s office was closing. So I left Walgreens and immediately headed towards Wade's office. I called my sister on the drive over there. I remember asking her if everything was going to be okay, and she said she didn't know that I just needed to stay calm. I told her not to call Mom, because I had talked to Mom on my way over to Walgreens and didn't want to scare her even more.

When I arrived at Wade's office, he was not quite ready and said that he would be a few minutes. I told him that he had to come now--something was not right. He immediately left the office, and I let him take over the driving. On our way over we prayed for our little man--that he would be healthy and that God would watch over us at this time.

Once we arrived at Baptist, we parked in the emergency parking area for expectant parents. Since we were already registered with the hospital, it only took a few minutes for me to get back into the triage area. I begged to use the restroom first. So I changed into the lovely hospital gown and used the bathroom. Then a nurse entered the room and started the ultrasound. She was very talkative at first asking me questions about the contractions. I was watching that screen so closely looking for movement from my little man. The nurse stopped talking pretty abruptly, and I remember looking at Wade and squeezing his hand even tighter. I hadn't seen movement or a heartbeat on that monitor.

The room was silent. Wade and I knew without the nurse even confirming it that our little man was no longer alive. She started asking us questions like when did you last feel him move and did you have any bleeding. That is when the state of shock started. I think I started crying. She told me to stay calm. She left to get a higher level ultrasound machine and call the doctors. However, something told us that there was no hope left--that our baby boy had died. Nurses started rushing in and out of the room. The same nurse took my blood pressure reading. She just stared at me afterwards and immediately took it again. Another nurse started an IV on the top of my hand, so Wade had to let go for just a minute. I told him to call my father and let him know. He talked to my dad and told him that the nurse couldn't find a heartbeat in the ultrasound. My dad said that he was on his way.

Finally a doctor, Dr. C., entered the room. He was tall and very calm. He took my hand and explained to me that I was very sick. He said that the nurses could not find a heartbeat during the ultrasound, and that he wanted to perform another one once I was settled in the labor and delivery room. He wanted to get me started on Magnesium through my IV. He said my blood pressure was extremely high, and that magnesium would help. The nurses rushed me down to my room. Wade was right by my side the whole time. I don't know how he had the strength to function, but he immediately went into caregiver mode.

Dr. C. confirmed our loss after viewing another ultrasound. I could see all of my son's beautiful bones, and I prayed that I would see a miracle- just a movement or two- but I didn't. Dr. C. said that I had developed preeclampsia, a disease that can attack different organs in a mother's body. It looked like mine had attacked the placenta and caused it to abrupt prematurely. His first concern was my health. If the preeclampsia was left untreated, then I could develop eclampsia and have a seizure or stroke. Dr. B. entered the room shortly after that with tears in his eyes. He was so upset and just held my hand. He explained to us that once my health was stabilized he would start to induce my labor.

Moments later my parents rushed into the room, and I remember just wanting to be held and tears flowing down all of our cheeks. I had no idea how sick I was. No one had shared my blood pressure reading with me (on purpose). My emotions were filled with the enormous loss of our first son. However, everyone else knew how severe my health was, and they had double the fear and sadness. Wade's parents arrived a short time later, and we went through all of the emotions again.

Later that evening, Dr. B. arrived and said that my blood pressure was stabilizing and that he was going to induce my labor. He thought it would be best if I had an epidural, because it would help lower my bp and lesson the pain. I planned on getting one anyway. Once again Wade held my hand and gave me the courage I needed. I was more worried about him passing out during the epidural, because he hates hospitals and needles. However, we both did just fine.

The best word to describe that evening is numb. Wade and I were in a full state of shock, along with our families. Our emotions were numb and so was my body. We didn't know what to do. We couldn't go backwards in time. We couldn't change the events of the future. We were in God's hands. There was nothing we could do.